I just finished my open water scuba training, but not in the way I had hoped. I couldn't bring myself to do the last dive's required techniques. I'll start from the beginning.
The first day, we became acquainted with the gear, which was wasn't too bad. You have two regulators, or breathing apparatuses: one primary, one alternate. You've got an air and depth gauge, a tool that inflates or deflated your suit, helps you sink or float. Then of course the basics: wetsuit, air tank, goggles slippers, and snorkel. All this ends up being pretty heavy on land, but makes sense in the water.
Once we got the gear down, we practiced a few basic techniques in about 6ft water. You take your regulator out and put it back in. You let water into your goggles, then use your nose to blow it out, still under water. You take your regulator out and use someone else's alternate. We did this in crisp light blue water, swimming with tropical fish. It was a dream.
The second day we went deeper, to 12m, a little less than 40ft. I was having a ball, playing around, doing underwater flips, swimming with fish. On the first dive, the water was still a clear blue and we saw some giant underwater life, some spectacular coral. I generally feel at home in the water, at least at a shallow depth. I grew up in pools and lakes. In a way, it feels like home. It another way though, I've always been a little scared of deep water, particularly oceans. I hadn't felt any of that at this point. I was simply blown away by the natural beauty and the joy of floating into such depths as I'd never been before.
Then came the fourth dive. Same depth, different location. This is the first time the water was murky, almost like a swamp. Not much visibility. I was still having a blast. Trying to stay warm and preserve my oxygen (I get cold easily in water, and apparently I suck O2 pretty fast), but good. Then we reached 12m and it was time for a few more techniques. I was fine until the goggles, which we had to remove completely (I can't open my eyes under water without them) and put them back on, then clear the mask by blowing out with our nose. It should be a given that when giving, you can NEVER breathe in through your nose, even with the mask on. Only your mouth.
This was the biggest problem for me. I've done years of meditation now, and the opposite is what's desired. You never breathe through your mouth, because it is inefficient. Breathing through your nose helps you relax and take fewer, deeper breaths. So for instance, when you are stressed, you stop and take a few deep breaths. You can probably see where I'm going with this.
I take my mask off, hesitantly, 40ft under water. I couldn't see the surface before it was so murky, and now I'm blind. And suddenly, salt water is coming in through my nose. My mind panicked. There was no chance I'd be able to surface before choking, if I couldn't get oxygen in. I knew that. I think that thought it was made me stay down and force through it. I shoved the goggles back to my face and tried desperately to only breath in through my mouth. It was so hard. My instinct, to calm myself, was to do nostril breathing, because that's what I've trained myself to do for years. Not being able to do it made me even more panicked. I reached out to our instructor for help as I continued trying to breathe right. His eyes encouraged me to be calm. There's not much else he could do at that point, and I knew it. He couldn't help me breathe correctly. I finally managed to get enough oxygen to then blow out my nose, clearing my flooded mask of salt water. I felt my full breath come in, and my eyes stung, but it began wearing off. I caught my breath, became comfortable again with breathing with just my mouth, out of a tank of air. I calmed down. The other 3 divers then did the same technique, and we started swimming around more. We surfaced maybe 15mins later.
At that point, back on the boat, I actually felt ok. I hadn't forgotten about what happened down there, but it wasn't eating at me or anything. And so I moved on. We were done for the day, I went home, and tried to sleep. I had waking and sleeping nightmares of drowning. The experience had hit me on a deeper level than I realized. I tried meditation, but even that was unnerving, because after that scare, I didn't trust my nostril breath. It felt wrong to breathe from the nose. Even as I write this, that is the case. I think it'll take some time for that to go away.
I woke up today for our last diving session. I felt nervous, especially after the nightmares, but I was sure I could do it. We would be doing the goggle removal technique again, along with another where we take out our regulator and breathe into our inflator manually, then put the regulator back in, and another where we switch to a partner's regulator, then back to our own. But all this would be done at 18m, around 60ft in depth.
Things started out fine. We got geared up, hopped in, and started submersion. I was definitely nervous and wasn't appreciating the clear water and plentiful fish as much as earlier, but I was determined to complete the techniques and get my license. We started down, equalizing (popping) our ears as we went down in depth. We hit 18m and I was OK. Then came technique time, and I froze. I had every intention of doing them when I went down, but when it came time, I couldn't bear the idea of taking my oxygen source out of my mouth, so far from the surface. The very idea made me breathe harder, struggling to inhale the same air I would on the surface, but it just wouldn't happen. I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I was too scared. So I chilled, tried to relax why the other 3 did it with few issues. Then we swam on, enjoying the view. I was unnerved, surprised by my own panic. I was ready to hit the surface and breathe through my nose again. About 15mins later, we did.
I am really disappointed I couldn't do the techniques and get my certification. I love the new world scuba opened me up to. It's like nothing else I've ever done. And I want to continue it. Luckily, all I'll have to do is make up what I missed at a later date. But for now, I need to recenter and relearn to trust my breath, and find more methods of dealing with panic, especially underwater. I'm super grateful I had the opportunity to do this at all, especially in such a beautiful place. It was more than worth it, as far as I got.
The first day, we became acquainted with the gear, which was wasn't too bad. You have two regulators, or breathing apparatuses: one primary, one alternate. You've got an air and depth gauge, a tool that inflates or deflated your suit, helps you sink or float. Then of course the basics: wetsuit, air tank, goggles slippers, and snorkel. All this ends up being pretty heavy on land, but makes sense in the water.
Once we got the gear down, we practiced a few basic techniques in about 6ft water. You take your regulator out and put it back in. You let water into your goggles, then use your nose to blow it out, still under water. You take your regulator out and use someone else's alternate. We did this in crisp light blue water, swimming with tropical fish. It was a dream.
The second day we went deeper, to 12m, a little less than 40ft. I was having a ball, playing around, doing underwater flips, swimming with fish. On the first dive, the water was still a clear blue and we saw some giant underwater life, some spectacular coral. I generally feel at home in the water, at least at a shallow depth. I grew up in pools and lakes. In a way, it feels like home. It another way though, I've always been a little scared of deep water, particularly oceans. I hadn't felt any of that at this point. I was simply blown away by the natural beauty and the joy of floating into such depths as I'd never been before.
Then came the fourth dive. Same depth, different location. This is the first time the water was murky, almost like a swamp. Not much visibility. I was still having a blast. Trying to stay warm and preserve my oxygen (I get cold easily in water, and apparently I suck O2 pretty fast), but good. Then we reached 12m and it was time for a few more techniques. I was fine until the goggles, which we had to remove completely (I can't open my eyes under water without them) and put them back on, then clear the mask by blowing out with our nose. It should be a given that when giving, you can NEVER breathe in through your nose, even with the mask on. Only your mouth.
This was the biggest problem for me. I've done years of meditation now, and the opposite is what's desired. You never breathe through your mouth, because it is inefficient. Breathing through your nose helps you relax and take fewer, deeper breaths. So for instance, when you are stressed, you stop and take a few deep breaths. You can probably see where I'm going with this.
I take my mask off, hesitantly, 40ft under water. I couldn't see the surface before it was so murky, and now I'm blind. And suddenly, salt water is coming in through my nose. My mind panicked. There was no chance I'd be able to surface before choking, if I couldn't get oxygen in. I knew that. I think that thought it was made me stay down and force through it. I shoved the goggles back to my face and tried desperately to only breath in through my mouth. It was so hard. My instinct, to calm myself, was to do nostril breathing, because that's what I've trained myself to do for years. Not being able to do it made me even more panicked. I reached out to our instructor for help as I continued trying to breathe right. His eyes encouraged me to be calm. There's not much else he could do at that point, and I knew it. He couldn't help me breathe correctly. I finally managed to get enough oxygen to then blow out my nose, clearing my flooded mask of salt water. I felt my full breath come in, and my eyes stung, but it began wearing off. I caught my breath, became comfortable again with breathing with just my mouth, out of a tank of air. I calmed down. The other 3 divers then did the same technique, and we started swimming around more. We surfaced maybe 15mins later.
At that point, back on the boat, I actually felt ok. I hadn't forgotten about what happened down there, but it wasn't eating at me or anything. And so I moved on. We were done for the day, I went home, and tried to sleep. I had waking and sleeping nightmares of drowning. The experience had hit me on a deeper level than I realized. I tried meditation, but even that was unnerving, because after that scare, I didn't trust my nostril breath. It felt wrong to breathe from the nose. Even as I write this, that is the case. I think it'll take some time for that to go away.
I woke up today for our last diving session. I felt nervous, especially after the nightmares, but I was sure I could do it. We would be doing the goggle removal technique again, along with another where we take out our regulator and breathe into our inflator manually, then put the regulator back in, and another where we switch to a partner's regulator, then back to our own. But all this would be done at 18m, around 60ft in depth.
Things started out fine. We got geared up, hopped in, and started submersion. I was definitely nervous and wasn't appreciating the clear water and plentiful fish as much as earlier, but I was determined to complete the techniques and get my license. We started down, equalizing (popping) our ears as we went down in depth. We hit 18m and I was OK. Then came technique time, and I froze. I had every intention of doing them when I went down, but when it came time, I couldn't bear the idea of taking my oxygen source out of my mouth, so far from the surface. The very idea made me breathe harder, struggling to inhale the same air I would on the surface, but it just wouldn't happen. I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I was too scared. So I chilled, tried to relax why the other 3 did it with few issues. Then we swam on, enjoying the view. I was unnerved, surprised by my own panic. I was ready to hit the surface and breathe through my nose again. About 15mins later, we did.
I am really disappointed I couldn't do the techniques and get my certification. I love the new world scuba opened me up to. It's like nothing else I've ever done. And I want to continue it. Luckily, all I'll have to do is make up what I missed at a later date. But for now, I need to recenter and relearn to trust my breath, and find more methods of dealing with panic, especially underwater. I'm super grateful I had the opportunity to do this at all, especially in such a beautiful place. It was more than worth it, as far as I got.
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