Spiritual Thoughts

One of the best things about traveling is meeting people from different backgrounds, who engage with the world in very different ways. The more I've seen, the more I've come to understand there really is no 'right' way to live. For a long time, I've mostly believed this, with small doubts surfacing every now and then. But when you're around - and become friends with - people who approach life in a way that conflicts with your own ideas about how life "should" be lived, you have to continually confront the notion that the way you see things may not be the only 'right' way to move through this world.

I think this notion is obvious to most people. At least on an intellectual level. But Ive found myself challenged by some of these different approaches to life, to the point where I react negatively because I don't think I can possibly accept some of these lifestyles as equal to my own. And so I resist them, and think of them as confused, as inferior. Surely these people are just confused, misguided. After all, what they're saying doesn't line up with what I believe, and I know my lifestyle has brought so much good to my life and those around me. It must be right.

That's how I started out. Since then, the constant exposure to lifestyles that were previously beyond my understanding have come more into focus. It's not that I necessarily believe them, but I can see the benefits gained from. The benefits may even be the same I gain from a completely different (perhaps opposite) approach, or they may be different, based on a different value set.

I've undergone many changes in my thinking thanks to deep conversations with some wonderful travel partners, most originally strangers, now friends. Once again, I'm indebted to the openness and kindness of strangers. A recent conversation with a new friend pushed my thinking yet again, challenging me to reconsider notions I considered foundational to my very core. I've had a couple revelations like this in my life before. The beauty is that each time, though it shakes me in a way that unsettles things in myself I considered to be stable, at the same time it grounds me deeper, gives me more solid footing. Someone once told me that the most profound revelations in life don't come from someone teaching you something new. They come from pointing something out to you that you've known all along, but didn't yet see. It's the experience of touching something so integral to your being that you feel "at home." And there, you can rest.

In order to make yourself available to such an experience (because it truly is experience that finds you when you're ready, not you seeking out and finding the experience) you must be open to possibility, even when that makes you uncomfortable or challenges your preconceived notions. One zen saying describes us as cups. If you want to have your cup (yourself) filled, you must first empty it. You must rid yourself of preconceptions, of judgments, of stagnant notions of right and wrong, good and bad. You must be open to experience, to possibility. Only then can you receive what the world, what others, what life is offering you. The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness. By emptying ourselves, we become useful. To ourselves and to others.

In that spirit, what I'm about to share contains things that will probably strike at nerves for some, and confuse others. That's always inevitable. I reference Hindu religious stories and concepts we view as tabboo in the US, but know little about. A few days ago, a lot of this would have turned me off. But there are many paths to the same point. This is just my experience, and given that this is my blog where I describe the most profound events in my travels, this is an apt place for it. I should also mention that these words are derived from extended conversations over the past 2 days. Many thanks to those who helped bring them out of me.



The primary thing that hit me as a result of this conversation was that through living according to buddhist philosophy I might be missing out on something big. This something may be present - and indeed emphasized - in another philosophy, that of tantra. The idea that stuck with me, because it reflected small doubts I'd had about Buddhism from the beginning, related to the expression of emotions. In Buddhism, you detach from your emotions. They are not you. They are something to learn from, but they will not guide you to enlightenment. Whereas, in tantra - which views every aspect of life as god - the emotion IS you, and therefore is something that deserves your attention and energy, it deserves to be expressed. Emotions are things to be celebrated. You do recognize the transitory nature of emotion, and in that way you are not overwhelmed with despair when they are negative, but the difference is that you RIDE the emotions, allowing yourself to fully experience the ups and downs, rather than remaining in the middle, as is taught in the 'middle way' of Buddhism.

Related to this is love, an aspect of Buddhism I never wholly agreed with. Buddhist thought says you should love everyone equally, be attached to no one in particular, for that leads to suffering. In tantra, given that everyone and everything you feel is another manifestation of god - and therefore all is holy - to love fully and let yourself go in that feeling is one of the highest forms of living.

In tantra, you can achieve this blissful state on earth, in basic experience, through any practice. For instance, for the Hare Krishnas it's music. They sing and sway and dance as a collective and become part of something larger through this communal experience that is inherently physical, visceral. For the bodhisattva Hanuman, it was service. He descended from bliss into the world of experience to serve Rama and Sita, central characters in Hindu religion and philosophy. After he finished, Shiva - a powerful Hindu god - asked him to return to bliss. He refused, saying that he instead would remain in the world of experience in order to help others achieve the bliss he had achieved. That was his passion. For me, it might be love. It might be giving yourself so fully to an emotion that it redefines not only how you understand yourself, but your relation with those around you, and the very nature of existence. Kahlil Gibran said it best when he wrote of love,

"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart."

Some myths/stories help illuminate the importance of fully investing yourself in experience, in emotion, rather than holding out for something else that "transcends experience." One is the story of the creation of Shakti from Shiva. Shiva is this really important Hindu god, and Shakti is his counterpart. The idea is that Shiva split himself into 2 parts just so that he could "see" himself again, meaning he wanted to appreciate the beauty of his being, his existence, anew. Sitting in a blissful state that transcends experience, he willingly chose to reenter the reality we currently experience, this physical, tangible world. The idea is that he created it, yet it is part of him. This reality, this form of existence, is known as Shakti. It is at once part of him, and yet separate. My mind goes to Christianity, where Jesus is at once thought to be a man of the physical world, yet also one with god, god himself. Ultimately, Shiva threw himself from bliss into experience, so that he could find himself again, and thus appreciate existence in a novel way. Shiva and Shakti are counterparts, separate, and yet the same. When these two are united or aligned, bliss meets with physical experience and we become whole. We at once recognize our divine nature, and how that divine nature is present in every aspect our lives.

For me, that story of Shiva/Shakti helps me reconcile the possibility of god with that of a universe we understand as chaotic, where both wonderful and terribly sad things occur. People often question how the most saddening, terrible, unbelievable events could come to pass, if there truly was a god. Here, one can replace "god" with any concept or sentiment reflecting connection or beauty in the world, of existence.

You have a perfect being that is aware of its blissful state, yet realizes this is just one facet of the wonder of experience. And this being has the power to "hit a button" and initiate something new, to create and throw itself into the chaos of experience, where it will experience ups and downs that do not occur in this blissful state. It will hurt, terribly so at some points. But it will also be incredibly joyful. And through this process, this being will come to understand and appreciate this bliss anew, rather than simply sitting in that state for eternity. It's the idea that, in order to appreciate the truly marvelous things in this world, they must be contrasted with the truly terrible. Or, in order to fully appreciate love, we must know what it is like to feel the pain of love lost. This is the rationale for creating what we perceive as an "imperfect" world, containing "imperfect" life. The truth is, nothing about any of it is imperfect. If you didn't understand the concept of dark, you wouldn't know light if you saw it. What we experience is indeed perfect. It is just the ongoing process of each of us trying to rediscover the perfection in ourselves, which is always there, if we're willing to look.

Never been happier to lose $300

Most of you who are reading this know about my bag being stolen yesterday in Chiang Mai, Thailand. And it being found a few hours later, without the money - $300. I was incredibly lucky. Inside that bag was my passport, my credit card, both my ATM cards, my tablet, my 2 cellphones, iPod, camera, emergency contact info, wallet, all my forms of ID, and perhaps most importantly, my journal. It's funny how, in the face of not having any money or way of obtaining any, or any form of ID, my heart hurt worst with thoughts of my journal. All my detailed thoughts, emotions, ideas for future research, contact info for people I met, itineraries for future countries, and suggestions for books, movies, and music were lost. These were the only irreplaceable things, and what I missed most.

How did this happen? Why was I so stupid to have all this in one place? Well, let me explain.

I carry two bags when I travel. One is a 55liter backpacking bag, with all the big items, including clothing, emergency toiletries, and currently the copious souvenirs Ive bought for friends and family. I also keep a credit card, ATM card, extra cash, amd important emergency info here as well. The other is a small backpack that has all my electronics and things I'll need for the day, which I carry everywhere and always keep a close eye on. It just so happened that, on the day this happened, I was switching hostels unexpectedly and was a bit flustered. There was a mix up and I had to quickly pack my stuff and head to the new one. Because it was a 2-3min ride by tuk tuk (small taxi), I didn't think anything of throwing all my stuff where it fit at the time. Well, turns out all the important stuff ended up in one place.

So I catch this tuk tuk and the driver takes me to my hostel. I get out, quickly pay him, and rush into my new place to make sure I have a room. It's only when it's time to pay do I realize I don't have my wallet - my bag is missing. Frantically I ran outside, but the driver left a couple minutes prior. Panicked, I ran around looking, but found nothing. I hoped he would return - he didn't. So it set in and I was devastated. Everything lost! No money, no way to get money, and no identification. Not to mention everything else listed above. And god, my journal. I was caught between wanting to cry and throw things in a fit of rage. I did neither, but sat frustrated and distraught.

This is where the highlights of my story begin. This hostel owner, seeing my predicament, not only gave me a room without question (knowing I couldn't pay) but also proceeded to drive me around looking for the driver, then to the police station to make a report, then to my previous hostel to use internet - cancel cards, etc. The owner of this previous hostel, hearing my situation, straight up gave me $30 (repaid today), and her sincere sympathy, which mattered more to me at that moment. I know 2 hostels which are getting rave reviews online!

At this point, there was nothing I could do. I found a computer and sought repreive online. And I am so grateful, I found it from so many friends and family that I'm still responding to all the emails and messages. Several conversations in particular last night really had a positive impact on me. I feel so warm and loved, and could not imagine being luckier given the circumstances. I only hope I can return the favor to you all.

A few hours later, I got a call from the police (well, my hostel owner did). The bag had been turned in by a young man who was just at the airport, where it was found! The airport? My guess is the tuk tuk driver found the bag, looted it, then dropped it off there before picking up new customers. Either way, this kid didn't take anything, AND turned it in. My hostel owner drove me to the police station, we picked up the bag, and I proceeded to emphatically hug everyone who came near me. Couldn't believe how lucky I had turned out to be.

All in all, about 3 hours passed between realizing my loss and having the bag returned. During that time, I went from frustration, disbelief, anger, and sadness, to acceptance, and even bring energized with a new sense of adventure. More than almost any other opportunity I'd ever had, this was an opportunity to practice mindfulness. An opportunity to sit with my emotions, my fears, and work to accept them in the present moment, knowing I couldn't change anything besides my own outlook on life. Anything in life can be taken away from us at any time. The only exception is the choice to view our experience in a particular way. We absolutely control how we understand and interact with the world around us. So I sat down to meditate and work on that. I already was regretting my burst of emotion. But we begin where we are, right? The first arrow that pierces you is the actual pain or mistake. The second is the one you shoot yourself with, by trying to be someone you're not, or being down on yourself for not being perfect. Moving on, I started to see this as the opportunity it was. I felt the freedom of release from all the artificial responsibilities and burdens we carry. I began to relish the idea of having to make due in a place where I didn't speak the language, without any money or ID. Surprisingly, and in no small part due to the kindness of strangers, it's absolutely doable. Things started to seem less intense and I began to relax.

Then I got the call, my bag was found! And the rest I've already said.

Ultimately, I'm GLAD this happened. I'm glad someone took my bag, stole my $300. Becuase it woke me up from a monotonous dream that I was living - I didn't even realize I was sleeping! I was living too comfortably, something I mentioned in a previous blog entry. Despite my attempts to step outside of my comfort zone, there are always more steps I could take. And this one was big. Because of this, I want to go out of my way to take care of strangers when they need help - or don't. A few kind words or a simple attempt to understand someone else, to listen openly, is everything. That's something I lost a lot of at some point. I don't know if it was the stress of grad school, the pain of failed relationships, or just spending more time in a society that values the individual so much more than the community. But somewhere along the line I became too selfish. I owe a debt to strangers that I want to continue repaying forever. I want to give to others the same energy I feel, as a result of strangers' actions. And to my friends and family who were so loving and helpful - I want to return that love and attention tenfold.

In the end, I'm grateful for the challenges and opportunities this experience has given me. If this is all I learn during these 8 months of travel, it was more than worth it. And certainly worth $300.

To everyone who was so supporting - thanks again :-) I'm here if you ever need anything.

Goodbye India, Hello Thailand!

I'm currently sitting in my new hostel in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Sipping Darjeeling tea I bought in the Bangalore duty free shop and feeling the stark contrasts between India, where I spent the past 2 1\2 months, and what little Ive now seen of Thailand. It didn't take long to experience these differences, and to be happy about them.

I loved India, let me say that up front. I'm not sure there's any other country in the world that has so much diversity in language, culture, food, and general behavior. And I only saw mostly one side of it. I traveled from the northern most region the the southern most point, hitting as much as possible in between. In the north, the people are genuine and friendly, at home in extreme altitude and cold. While still remaining close to their aged traditions, they have adopted to the influx of tourism that began around the late 70s. Luckily, this area still remains a less common tourist destination, than say Rajasthan, including Delhi and the Taj Mahal. I found these areas some of the most frustrating times of my travels. I won't even talk about Varanasi. The locals in these areas are so used to rich foreign tourists that very white person is nothing more than a walking dollar sign. Obviously, there is a lot to be said here about the remnants of colonialism, and perhaps it's wrong of me to complain, or I should be more understanding, given all that has brought this situation to be as it is. With that in mind, all I write here are my own impressions, devoid of any larger analysis, though you certainly might be right to fault me for it.

As I said, you're a walking $. You'll hear this from just about anyone who's been there. Everyone who approaches you on the street wants to sell you something, or simply wants something for nothing. They will claim to be your friend, that they just like helping foreigners, etc. 99.9% of the time it's a lie. Which is sad, because this makes you distrustful of random people, and so you push everyone away, assuming they are all the same. You very well could miss something here. And you become jaded, or at least I did. I became hard, unfriendly (by US standards) in return. You could call it cultural adaptation, but I'd rather not adapt if that's what it requires.

On the other hand, moving further south, this became less and less the case. The people were similar to those in the north, more open to strangers, not as much seeking to advantage. Though you definitely still are a target of greedy tuk tuk drivers and shop owners.  Here, many Indians are Catholic, a relic of Portuguese imperialism. There are cathedrals and churches everywhere, about as ornate as most Ive seen in Europe! Though what's neat is the way they've blended it with their own culture. In traditional Indian style, it's quite "over the top" (a subjective assessment, yes, but think Indian weddings). Think neon lights surrounding every picture of Jesus. Or a small statue of him hidden in a small ornate doorway behind the alter, revered and praised in the same way they worship Hindu gods. In other words, like everywhere else and every other period in history, they fit the new to the old, establishing their own unique form of practice.

I could say more here, but I'd rather focus on what's most salient to me right now, as a part of this transition in countries. I gotta ask one thing. What the hell is up with qeues in India? By which I mean, there is no such thing. It's all out chaos. Even to the point where it hurts everyone involved. For instance, when a train stops and some people have to get off so others can get on. But there, they try to pile on anyways, pushing you back as you try to get off, despite the fact that there's nowhere to go! Senseless.

Cue my transition to Thailand. Suddenly, everyone is super nice, in a way that feels more genuine. Even the people who want to sell you things don't impose on you, don't call out at you - at least in Chiang Mai. And I haven't heard a horn the enire time ive been here. That's a small miracle. I'll admit, it definitely is more touristy than any place over been so far. I haven't seen so many white people since Indiana. And though that can be nice sometimes, I have come to like being more off the beaten path.

Oh yeah, and I have started to eat meat again, which was perfectly timed. I was a vegie for 3 months, but lost 20lbs. Not something that's great for my health. So picking meat back up, and there's no better place to eat meat than Thailand! Helloooo stir fry, pad Thai, and god knows what these words mean but hey it's meat. The place seems super clean, though I'm not sure how much of that is just me coming from India. Either way, I trust the food.

So Ive got a couple days of wandering around exploring, then I'm taking a Thai massage class to learn a bit. I've always loved giving massages, and I think physical touch is something that's so important in interpersonal communication, a thing we lack in the US. I look forward to becoming more comfortable touching and being touched. And understanding the human body in new ways.