I can trace it back to one mistake I made. During one of my rest hours, I became bored. You have nothing to do, so your options are: walk around the area, meditate even more, or sleep. The area is small and there isn't much to see. I was enjoying a much needed break, so I wasn't going to meditate more. And I wasn't tired. I wanted to exercise. I'm a very physically expressive person, that's how I operate in the world. I love sports, yoga, and just playing. Not doing any of that for days was bothering me. I didnt understand why i couldnt do just a bit. So I decided I'd do a very small bit of pushups and ab exercises. It felt great. It also raised my energy level, which was the problem. When all you do all day is meditate, you maintain a stable, low energy level. This helps you keep your mind peaceful, tranquil, and more easily controlled. But raise that energy level and suddenly your mind is more active and seeks out more sources of stimulation. The mind and the body are connected, so activate the body and you activate the mind.
In doing this, I planted a seed that would fester. My mind being activated started thinking about what other productive things I could be doing with my time. At first I resisted, but then ideas seemed so important in the moment that they had to be written down, else I forget them and lose something profound. This was a particularly strong feeling, since my research is related to mindfulness and my experience was generating so many fascinating ideas related to it. I became so excited to apply what I had already learned to it. I had mistakenly brought a pen in with me, buried in my pack. I also had scrap paper. So I used them and began an invigorating note-taking session. I didn't want to stop, and was annoyed when the bell to end rest time sounded.
As you can imagine, that next meditation session was much more difficult, given the facts that my mind was activated, and I had not been able to write down all I had wanted. I had a hard time removing those thoughts from my mind. So I found a way to remember them, and mentally saved them for the next break. My meditation never recovered. I became bored with meditation. I wanted more time for thinking and writing, though I still desired to meditate - just not as much. But my mind had begun rolling, and so the monkey mind began finding other thoughts to grasp onto. I started thinking about what other amazing things I could be doing in Nepal, besides this retreat, which I could also do in the USA. In fact, there is a center not two hours from Seattle. These thoughts became more and more difficult to control, and that was it for me. I had let my mind control me.
I talked to the teacher and asked to leave. He managed to convince me to stay for one more day. He worked hard to sell me on this, because I was convinced I was leaving. He did a lot to challenge me, to see that this was simply part of the process. I saw that, though I still had doubts. The next morning was fine, as always. The morning is when your energy levels are the lowest. But come afternoon, I was ready to leave again. I couldn't find the teacher, so I packed up my things and walked to the entrance. I should mention that, when you enter this retreat, they not only take all your electronics and reading/writing material, but also your passport and money. The retreat is free, so they're just caretakers. I admit, when I arrived and was asked to do this, I balked. I think that's a perfectly fair reaction. Without all that, I'm lost. With that gone, I have no way to prove who I am and no way to get anywhere. That's kind of the point though, to release all attachments. I didn't feel comfortable. However, vipassana is a world wide reputable organization, they're basically Buddhist, and everyone else did it. So I bit the bullet and did it too.
So leaving, I obviously needed my things. I approached the 4 men at the entrance, who were surprised to see me. "Why aren't you meditating?" they asked. Lightheartedly, I told them I was leaving, it was too much for me. At this point, I was very happy to have gained as much as I did, to have accomplished so much. I was planning on leaving on that note, successful on my own terms. But that was not to be. They immediately told me, "You can't leave. You're here for 10 days." Of course, I realized the retreat was 10 days, but I had chosen to leave early. I didnt expect to have this basic right to move freely denied. But they firmly told me I could not leave, and that I should talk with the teacher, because he would explain why I needed to stay. I told them I was firm and nothing the teacher said would change my mind, though I had tried to find him and couldn't. I was ready to leave now. They continued to refuse me and told me to go meditate. I understand there are cultural differences regarding authority and hierarchy, but at this point I was getting upset. They had my passport, money, everything. I'm a climber and could have hopped the 10 ft locked gate, but I couldn't leave without all that. I started becoming more assertive. Still no luck. I realized they were becoming more serious when a couple other people showed up and discussed a lot in Nepali. I was becoming afraid.
At this point, I evaluated my options. These people are not only denying me my basic rights to my own possessions and freedom of movement, but are becoming aggressive in telling me to go back and meditate. My fight or flight response was kicking in, and I made a point of telling them that clearly. I think they recognized the word "fight" and backed off a bit, someone made a phone call. I was scared enough to consider becoming physically violent. I felt backed into a corner with no outs.
They told me to sit. Stretching my arms and hands, I waited. I noticed the appearance of the room, adorned with about a hundred photos of the founder of the vipassana program, who seemed like a god to these people. I had aalready been surprised how much they focused on this one man. Meditation is a practice, not a religion. Though they also made a point of stating this, it didn't appear to me they were living in accordance with this value. Within 15mins they told me the teacher said I could go. During this time, a few different people had used "good cop bad cop" to try and convince me to stay, trying to intimidate me and making fun of me for giving up. It was making me frustrated in a new way, because though I didn't care what these people said, I had gained so much from my time there, and this was ruining my peace of mind and tarnishing my good feelings about the retreat. I just couldnt, and still don't, understand how people with so much meditation experience could behave so terribly. But I just wanted out.
They returned my things and everything was there. They asked me yet another time if I was SURE I wanted to leave. You can guess my answer. They then made me sign a form that said I was leaving of my own free will (I laughed) and that I "wouldn't hold them responsible for any physical or mental harm that would come to me on account of leaving early." I also had to sign a form saying, if I ever wanted to take a vipassana retreat anywhere in the world ever again, I would have to get permission from this center. Given what had just happened, I viewed this as a scare tactic designed to keep me there, and this place began to seem more like a cult than a legitimate meditation experience, designed with the good of the student in mind.
It just so happened one of the workers (not one who had been present yet) was also leaving early. I remembered him from the first day because we had had a great conversation. We walked out together and caught a microbus. He is a genuinely good person, apologized for what had happened, and said he'd been to other centers and never seen anything like that. I was glad to hear that.
In the end, Im happy I did it because I gained so much. I choose not to let the actions of a few individuals warp the positive and fulfilling experience that extensive meditation provides. Its all part of the work of mindfulness, even if you have to apply it to your interactions with those who taught you the techniques.
I say this place seemed like a cult, and I really believe it. It was disappointing. However, this was perhaps an isolated experience. There are many of these centers around the world. I don't want to discourage anyone else from doing this. But make sure to do it I'm a place where you feel comfortable. Communication across languages and cultures can sometimes cause unanticipated problems.
I talked to the teacher and asked to leave. He managed to convince me to stay for one more day. He worked hard to sell me on this, because I was convinced I was leaving. He did a lot to challenge me, to see that this was simply part of the process. I saw that, though I still had doubts. The next morning was fine, as always. The morning is when your energy levels are the lowest. But come afternoon, I was ready to leave again. I couldn't find the teacher, so I packed up my things and walked to the entrance. I should mention that, when you enter this retreat, they not only take all your electronics and reading/writing material, but also your passport and money. The retreat is free, so they're just caretakers. I admit, when I arrived and was asked to do this, I balked. I think that's a perfectly fair reaction. Without all that, I'm lost. With that gone, I have no way to prove who I am and no way to get anywhere. That's kind of the point though, to release all attachments. I didn't feel comfortable. However, vipassana is a world wide reputable organization, they're basically Buddhist, and everyone else did it. So I bit the bullet and did it too.
So leaving, I obviously needed my things. I approached the 4 men at the entrance, who were surprised to see me. "Why aren't you meditating?" they asked. Lightheartedly, I told them I was leaving, it was too much for me. At this point, I was very happy to have gained as much as I did, to have accomplished so much. I was planning on leaving on that note, successful on my own terms. But that was not to be. They immediately told me, "You can't leave. You're here for 10 days." Of course, I realized the retreat was 10 days, but I had chosen to leave early. I didnt expect to have this basic right to move freely denied. But they firmly told me I could not leave, and that I should talk with the teacher, because he would explain why I needed to stay. I told them I was firm and nothing the teacher said would change my mind, though I had tried to find him and couldn't. I was ready to leave now. They continued to refuse me and told me to go meditate. I understand there are cultural differences regarding authority and hierarchy, but at this point I was getting upset. They had my passport, money, everything. I'm a climber and could have hopped the 10 ft locked gate, but I couldn't leave without all that. I started becoming more assertive. Still no luck. I realized they were becoming more serious when a couple other people showed up and discussed a lot in Nepali. I was becoming afraid.
At this point, I evaluated my options. These people are not only denying me my basic rights to my own possessions and freedom of movement, but are becoming aggressive in telling me to go back and meditate. My fight or flight response was kicking in, and I made a point of telling them that clearly. I think they recognized the word "fight" and backed off a bit, someone made a phone call. I was scared enough to consider becoming physically violent. I felt backed into a corner with no outs.
They told me to sit. Stretching my arms and hands, I waited. I noticed the appearance of the room, adorned with about a hundred photos of the founder of the vipassana program, who seemed like a god to these people. I had aalready been surprised how much they focused on this one man. Meditation is a practice, not a religion. Though they also made a point of stating this, it didn't appear to me they were living in accordance with this value. Within 15mins they told me the teacher said I could go. During this time, a few different people had used "good cop bad cop" to try and convince me to stay, trying to intimidate me and making fun of me for giving up. It was making me frustrated in a new way, because though I didn't care what these people said, I had gained so much from my time there, and this was ruining my peace of mind and tarnishing my good feelings about the retreat. I just couldnt, and still don't, understand how people with so much meditation experience could behave so terribly. But I just wanted out.
They returned my things and everything was there. They asked me yet another time if I was SURE I wanted to leave. You can guess my answer. They then made me sign a form that said I was leaving of my own free will (I laughed) and that I "wouldn't hold them responsible for any physical or mental harm that would come to me on account of leaving early." I also had to sign a form saying, if I ever wanted to take a vipassana retreat anywhere in the world ever again, I would have to get permission from this center. Given what had just happened, I viewed this as a scare tactic designed to keep me there, and this place began to seem more like a cult than a legitimate meditation experience, designed with the good of the student in mind.
It just so happened one of the workers (not one who had been present yet) was also leaving early. I remembered him from the first day because we had had a great conversation. We walked out together and caught a microbus. He is a genuinely good person, apologized for what had happened, and said he'd been to other centers and never seen anything like that. I was glad to hear that.
In the end, Im happy I did it because I gained so much. I choose not to let the actions of a few individuals warp the positive and fulfilling experience that extensive meditation provides. Its all part of the work of mindfulness, even if you have to apply it to your interactions with those who taught you the techniques.
I say this place seemed like a cult, and I really believe it. It was disappointing. However, this was perhaps an isolated experience. There are many of these centers around the world. I don't want to discourage anyone else from doing this. But make sure to do it I'm a place where you feel comfortable. Communication across languages and cultures can sometimes cause unanticipated problems.
"Desire is insatiable and the senses are its slaves. "Unrestrained, the senses erode the knowledge acquired through meditation and study. Unfulfilled desires excite wrath and wrath destroys everything. You will never realize the supreme soul till you control the senses. Conquer desire and you will win the world."
ReplyDelete--The Mahabharata