First of all, I wish I could post photos more often on this blog, but unfortunately I rarely have access to a computer to do so. I only have my tablet, and I can't do it with that. But hopefully soon I'll be able to post more.
I just got back to kathmandu after almost 10 days in pokhara. Pokhara is the 2nd largest city in Nepal, which isn't saying much. It's actually pretty chill. Which is one of the reasons I stayed there so long. It's right on a beautiful lake and looks out over the lower Himalayas. Every morning you'll see dozens of paragliders soaring over the lake, enjoying the best view of the mountains.
A lot happened, but my tablet doesn't have much juice left, so I'll be brief.
I got destroyed by a Nepali kid in pool. Total shark. Luckily I had no money on the game! This was at a restaurant his mother owned, so I'm guessing he had a lot of practice :-) They also had a guitar, so I got to play a bit for the first time in a while.
I went to my first Nepali yoga class. It was in a room barely big enough for 5 people. The guy who led the class seemed very knowledgeable. The style was very slow. Maybe too slow, though it was closer to what I like than most yoga in the states. I can't wait for the yoga retreat in India.
I met a couple great guys, one from Portland and one from Seattle. One is living in Nepal now, running a textile business. We went on a long bike ride to some caves and through the less explored parts of the city one day. It was on the day of the transportation strike, so the roads were clear. Except for all the children playing cricket and soccer in the streets, who would always smile and yell, "Hello!" over and over as we passed. That was one of my favorite experiences so far.
A couple days later, we rented a couple motorcycles and road to a lake about 45mins away. The ride was exhilarating, but also challenging. Neither of the two had ever ridden a cycle before, and me only in training to get my license. But we did well, I'd say. There was one point when I stalled out on a steep hill and had to push the thing a ways to get to flat ground. And that time when what I've now identified as a water buffalo ran out in front of me. And then having someone on the back of my bike the first time. On roads that rarely were paved, and not well when they were. But now I'm not at all afraid to ride back home. Although the other drivers on the road here are much more aware than those in the USA, mainly because there are more bikes on the road than cars. Riding here gave me a fresh, unique view in the place. I loved it.
Walking down the street, I get asked by barbers leaning out their windows if I want my beard shaved, at least twice a day. I know i haven't shaved in a month, but i like it!
Battery is going to die, so that's all for now. Feeling so grateful for this opportunity, and for great support from my friends and family :-)
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Annapurna Trek
I just got back yesterday evening from Annapurna, one of the world's most famous treks. My feet are slightly blistered, my legs are sore, and the stench from my 2 changes of clothes would make a skunk recoil. I'm going to spend the next few days recovering in a relaxed hostel near the lake in Pokhara.
Trip Details:
I was lucky enough to meet a great traveling companion, Julian, in a hostel in Kathmandu. He's from Germany and is here to do some Nepali exploring as well. We both wanted to hike Annapurna Base Camp (a 7-10 day hike). However, he had to do it fast because of a time restriction. Long story short, we made it in a hurried 5 days. I now understand the meaning behind the phrase "blistering pace." You walk so fast for so long, you literally get blisters. It was especially difficult for me because I was keeping up with Julian who, standing a solid 6'5", has much longer legs and thus a longer stride. I also was a newbie and brought too much gear, though he was nice enough to even our packs out and take some of the burden off my shoulders.
The Base Camp stands at 4,130 meters, which is a little more than 13,800ft. That was the highest I'd ever been, and I felt the altitude. You have to be careful because going that high without acclimatization can be dangerous. But I got used to it enough for our short stay there. It helped that each day got progressively higher. Though I still felt a little dizzy and it took a great effort to push the last couple hours to the BC, which was also the most beautiful part of the trip (pics on FB soon).
Sights and Experiences:
The route you take to BC is spotted with very tiny "villages," usually consisting of 0 to several places to eat or sleep. The people here are usually pretty nice and cook great food! I had some of the best Mac n cheese... Hot showers are rare, but appreciated! But food is expensive by Nepali standards because its so hard to get it there. In fact, everything gets there by either donkeys or porters, who carry things on their backs. It seems like a grueling job, though one that gets you in incredible shape.
As far as wildlife goes, there were a few new things for me. There were the typical animals you'd expect such as lizards and a variety of colored birds, but there were also many goats, water buffalo (these things were scary when blocking your path, which was often), donkeys, ponies, and, my least favorite, leeches. It was a constant fight at the lower altitudes to keep these things off my body. I tried all the local remedies (rubbing salt and tobacco on my boots, using deet, tucking my pants into my socks), but I still got one bite. I must have flicked 100 off my boots though. My poor companion Julian got about 7 bites, including one above the waist! But luckily they're pretty harmless. They just bleed a lot because the nature of the bite stops your blood from congealing.
After the leeches, we took a break at a natural mountain hotspring, definitely one of the trip's highlights. It was just what our exhausted bodies needed. The peaceful warm waters stood in marked contrast to the frigid river raging right next to us. We shared a conversation with an older French traveler and were on our way.
We saw more waterfalls than I could count. Small ones, but also ones that were hundreds of feet tall. This was in part because we were there during the end of monsoon season. The river cutting through this big valley (through which our path wound) was raging. There were some unnerving points where we had to cross very shaky, handmade plank bridges above these waters, hoping we didn't slip and the bridge held. Or else we would have been hurt badly or most likely killed. In fact, I'm sad to say 2 hikers died this way in the short time we were there. One went missing as he was hiking alone, then turned up further down the river. Another was hiking with friends, slipped into the water, and is presumed dead. I hope this isn't as common an occurence as it seems. The families and friends of the hikers were in the thoughts of the hikers and Nepalis. If anything positive can be said about this, it's that everyone on that trek cares for the others traveling the same path.
Heading Home to Pokhara:
When hearing about people's travels to developing countries, there often is that story about that "crazy bus" or "crazy taxi" ride, where you're careening around narrow roads high in the mountains at way too fast a speed, and are afraid for your life. I just had my first one. Riding in a jeep on dirt and rocks around a road that was wide enough for one car, but there was the occcasional one coming the other way. I was on edge the whole hour and a half it took to get out of the mountains. I tried to make peace with the possibility of death, but was finding it difficult. Guess I'm not ready to die yet. I've got to at least finish this trip first!
But for now, I'm going to relax in a $5 hostel by the lake, with a hot shower, a bed made for Nepalis less than 6ft tall, and plan the next adventure. And maybe buy a tailored suit, because apparently you can get a really nice one, even 100% cashmere for around $100! Traveling in style ;)
Trip Details:
I was lucky enough to meet a great traveling companion, Julian, in a hostel in Kathmandu. He's from Germany and is here to do some Nepali exploring as well. We both wanted to hike Annapurna Base Camp (a 7-10 day hike). However, he had to do it fast because of a time restriction. Long story short, we made it in a hurried 5 days. I now understand the meaning behind the phrase "blistering pace." You walk so fast for so long, you literally get blisters. It was especially difficult for me because I was keeping up with Julian who, standing a solid 6'5", has much longer legs and thus a longer stride. I also was a newbie and brought too much gear, though he was nice enough to even our packs out and take some of the burden off my shoulders.
The Base Camp stands at 4,130 meters, which is a little more than 13,800ft. That was the highest I'd ever been, and I felt the altitude. You have to be careful because going that high without acclimatization can be dangerous. But I got used to it enough for our short stay there. It helped that each day got progressively higher. Though I still felt a little dizzy and it took a great effort to push the last couple hours to the BC, which was also the most beautiful part of the trip (pics on FB soon).
Sights and Experiences:
The route you take to BC is spotted with very tiny "villages," usually consisting of 0 to several places to eat or sleep. The people here are usually pretty nice and cook great food! I had some of the best Mac n cheese... Hot showers are rare, but appreciated! But food is expensive by Nepali standards because its so hard to get it there. In fact, everything gets there by either donkeys or porters, who carry things on their backs. It seems like a grueling job, though one that gets you in incredible shape.
As far as wildlife goes, there were a few new things for me. There were the typical animals you'd expect such as lizards and a variety of colored birds, but there were also many goats, water buffalo (these things were scary when blocking your path, which was often), donkeys, ponies, and, my least favorite, leeches. It was a constant fight at the lower altitudes to keep these things off my body. I tried all the local remedies (rubbing salt and tobacco on my boots, using deet, tucking my pants into my socks), but I still got one bite. I must have flicked 100 off my boots though. My poor companion Julian got about 7 bites, including one above the waist! But luckily they're pretty harmless. They just bleed a lot because the nature of the bite stops your blood from congealing.
After the leeches, we took a break at a natural mountain hotspring, definitely one of the trip's highlights. It was just what our exhausted bodies needed. The peaceful warm waters stood in marked contrast to the frigid river raging right next to us. We shared a conversation with an older French traveler and were on our way.
We saw more waterfalls than I could count. Small ones, but also ones that were hundreds of feet tall. This was in part because we were there during the end of monsoon season. The river cutting through this big valley (through which our path wound) was raging. There were some unnerving points where we had to cross very shaky, handmade plank bridges above these waters, hoping we didn't slip and the bridge held. Or else we would have been hurt badly or most likely killed. In fact, I'm sad to say 2 hikers died this way in the short time we were there. One went missing as he was hiking alone, then turned up further down the river. Another was hiking with friends, slipped into the water, and is presumed dead. I hope this isn't as common an occurence as it seems. The families and friends of the hikers were in the thoughts of the hikers and Nepalis. If anything positive can be said about this, it's that everyone on that trek cares for the others traveling the same path.
Heading Home to Pokhara:
When hearing about people's travels to developing countries, there often is that story about that "crazy bus" or "crazy taxi" ride, where you're careening around narrow roads high in the mountains at way too fast a speed, and are afraid for your life. I just had my first one. Riding in a jeep on dirt and rocks around a road that was wide enough for one car, but there was the occcasional one coming the other way. I was on edge the whole hour and a half it took to get out of the mountains. I tried to make peace with the possibility of death, but was finding it difficult. Guess I'm not ready to die yet. I've got to at least finish this trip first!
But for now, I'm going to relax in a $5 hostel by the lake, with a hot shower, a bed made for Nepalis less than 6ft tall, and plan the next adventure. And maybe buy a tailored suit, because apparently you can get a really nice one, even 100% cashmere for around $100! Traveling in style ;)
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Vipassana part 2: The exit
Above, I related the positive aspects of the retreat and what I gained. Here, I'm going to talk about what led me to leave, and how it became so difficult.
I can trace it back to one mistake I made. During one of my rest hours, I became bored. You have nothing to do, so your options are: walk around the area, meditate even more, or sleep. The area is small and there isn't much to see. I was enjoying a much needed break, so I wasn't going to meditate more. And I wasn't tired. I wanted to exercise. I'm a very physically expressive person, that's how I operate in the world. I love sports, yoga, and just playing. Not doing any of that for days was bothering me. I didnt understand why i couldnt do just a bit. So I decided I'd do a very small bit of pushups and ab exercises. It felt great. It also raised my energy level, which was the problem. When all you do all day is meditate, you maintain a stable, low energy level. This helps you keep your mind peaceful, tranquil, and more easily controlled. But raise that energy level and suddenly your mind is more active and seeks out more sources of stimulation. The mind and the body are connected, so activate the body and you activate the mind.
In doing this, I planted a seed that would fester. My mind being activated started thinking about what other productive things I could be doing with my time. At first I resisted, but then ideas seemed so important in the moment that they had to be written down, else I forget them and lose something profound. This was a particularly strong feeling, since my research is related to mindfulness and my experience was generating so many fascinating ideas related to it. I became so excited to apply what I had already learned to it. I had mistakenly brought a pen in with me, buried in my pack. I also had scrap paper. So I used them and began an invigorating note-taking session. I didn't want to stop, and was annoyed when the bell to end rest time sounded.
As you can imagine, that next meditation session was much more difficult, given the facts that my mind was activated, and I had not been able to write down all I had wanted. I had a hard time removing those thoughts from my mind. So I found a way to remember them, and mentally saved them for the next break. My meditation never recovered. I became bored with meditation. I wanted more time for thinking and writing, though I still desired to meditate - just not as much. But my mind had begun rolling, and so the monkey mind began finding other thoughts to grasp onto. I started thinking about what other amazing things I could be doing in Nepal, besides this retreat, which I could also do in the USA. In fact, there is a center not two hours from Seattle. These thoughts became more and more difficult to control, and that was it for me. I had let my mind control me.
I talked to the teacher and asked to leave. He managed to convince me to stay for one more day. He worked hard to sell me on this, because I was convinced I was leaving. He did a lot to challenge me, to see that this was simply part of the process. I saw that, though I still had doubts. The next morning was fine, as always. The morning is when your energy levels are the lowest. But come afternoon, I was ready to leave again. I couldn't find the teacher, so I packed up my things and walked to the entrance. I should mention that, when you enter this retreat, they not only take all your electronics and reading/writing material, but also your passport and money. The retreat is free, so they're just caretakers. I admit, when I arrived and was asked to do this, I balked. I think that's a perfectly fair reaction. Without all that, I'm lost. With that gone, I have no way to prove who I am and no way to get anywhere. That's kind of the point though, to release all attachments. I didn't feel comfortable. However, vipassana is a world wide reputable organization, they're basically Buddhist, and everyone else did it. So I bit the bullet and did it too.
So leaving, I obviously needed my things. I approached the 4 men at the entrance, who were surprised to see me. "Why aren't you meditating?" they asked. Lightheartedly, I told them I was leaving, it was too much for me. At this point, I was very happy to have gained as much as I did, to have accomplished so much. I was planning on leaving on that note, successful on my own terms. But that was not to be. They immediately told me, "You can't leave. You're here for 10 days." Of course, I realized the retreat was 10 days, but I had chosen to leave early. I didnt expect to have this basic right to move freely denied. But they firmly told me I could not leave, and that I should talk with the teacher, because he would explain why I needed to stay. I told them I was firm and nothing the teacher said would change my mind, though I had tried to find him and couldn't. I was ready to leave now. They continued to refuse me and told me to go meditate. I understand there are cultural differences regarding authority and hierarchy, but at this point I was getting upset. They had my passport, money, everything. I'm a climber and could have hopped the 10 ft locked gate, but I couldn't leave without all that. I started becoming more assertive. Still no luck. I realized they were becoming more serious when a couple other people showed up and discussed a lot in Nepali. I was becoming afraid.
At this point, I evaluated my options. These people are not only denying me my basic rights to my own possessions and freedom of movement, but are becoming aggressive in telling me to go back and meditate. My fight or flight response was kicking in, and I made a point of telling them that clearly. I think they recognized the word "fight" and backed off a bit, someone made a phone call. I was scared enough to consider becoming physically violent. I felt backed into a corner with no outs.
They told me to sit. Stretching my arms and hands, I waited. I noticed the appearance of the room, adorned with about a hundred photos of the founder of the vipassana program, who seemed like a god to these people. I had aalready been surprised how much they focused on this one man. Meditation is a practice, not a religion. Though they also made a point of stating this, it didn't appear to me they were living in accordance with this value. Within 15mins they told me the teacher said I could go. During this time, a few different people had used "good cop bad cop" to try and convince me to stay, trying to intimidate me and making fun of me for giving up. It was making me frustrated in a new way, because though I didn't care what these people said, I had gained so much from my time there, and this was ruining my peace of mind and tarnishing my good feelings about the retreat. I just couldnt, and still don't, understand how people with so much meditation experience could behave so terribly. But I just wanted out.
They returned my things and everything was there. They asked me yet another time if I was SURE I wanted to leave. You can guess my answer. They then made me sign a form that said I was leaving of my own free will (I laughed) and that I "wouldn't hold them responsible for any physical or mental harm that would come to me on account of leaving early." I also had to sign a form saying, if I ever wanted to take a vipassana retreat anywhere in the world ever again, I would have to get permission from this center. Given what had just happened, I viewed this as a scare tactic designed to keep me there, and this place began to seem more like a cult than a legitimate meditation experience, designed with the good of the student in mind.
It just so happened one of the workers (not one who had been present yet) was also leaving early. I remembered him from the first day because we had had a great conversation. We walked out together and caught a microbus. He is a genuinely good person, apologized for what had happened, and said he'd been to other centers and never seen anything like that. I was glad to hear that.
In the end, Im happy I did it because I gained so much. I choose not to let the actions of a few individuals warp the positive and fulfilling experience that extensive meditation provides. Its all part of the work of mindfulness, even if you have to apply it to your interactions with those who taught you the techniques.
I say this place seemed like a cult, and I really believe it. It was disappointing. However, this was perhaps an isolated experience. There are many of these centers around the world. I don't want to discourage anyone else from doing this. But make sure to do it I'm a place where you feel comfortable. Communication across languages and cultures can sometimes cause unanticipated problems.
I talked to the teacher and asked to leave. He managed to convince me to stay for one more day. He worked hard to sell me on this, because I was convinced I was leaving. He did a lot to challenge me, to see that this was simply part of the process. I saw that, though I still had doubts. The next morning was fine, as always. The morning is when your energy levels are the lowest. But come afternoon, I was ready to leave again. I couldn't find the teacher, so I packed up my things and walked to the entrance. I should mention that, when you enter this retreat, they not only take all your electronics and reading/writing material, but also your passport and money. The retreat is free, so they're just caretakers. I admit, when I arrived and was asked to do this, I balked. I think that's a perfectly fair reaction. Without all that, I'm lost. With that gone, I have no way to prove who I am and no way to get anywhere. That's kind of the point though, to release all attachments. I didn't feel comfortable. However, vipassana is a world wide reputable organization, they're basically Buddhist, and everyone else did it. So I bit the bullet and did it too.
So leaving, I obviously needed my things. I approached the 4 men at the entrance, who were surprised to see me. "Why aren't you meditating?" they asked. Lightheartedly, I told them I was leaving, it was too much for me. At this point, I was very happy to have gained as much as I did, to have accomplished so much. I was planning on leaving on that note, successful on my own terms. But that was not to be. They immediately told me, "You can't leave. You're here for 10 days." Of course, I realized the retreat was 10 days, but I had chosen to leave early. I didnt expect to have this basic right to move freely denied. But they firmly told me I could not leave, and that I should talk with the teacher, because he would explain why I needed to stay. I told them I was firm and nothing the teacher said would change my mind, though I had tried to find him and couldn't. I was ready to leave now. They continued to refuse me and told me to go meditate. I understand there are cultural differences regarding authority and hierarchy, but at this point I was getting upset. They had my passport, money, everything. I'm a climber and could have hopped the 10 ft locked gate, but I couldn't leave without all that. I started becoming more assertive. Still no luck. I realized they were becoming more serious when a couple other people showed up and discussed a lot in Nepali. I was becoming afraid.
At this point, I evaluated my options. These people are not only denying me my basic rights to my own possessions and freedom of movement, but are becoming aggressive in telling me to go back and meditate. My fight or flight response was kicking in, and I made a point of telling them that clearly. I think they recognized the word "fight" and backed off a bit, someone made a phone call. I was scared enough to consider becoming physically violent. I felt backed into a corner with no outs.
They told me to sit. Stretching my arms and hands, I waited. I noticed the appearance of the room, adorned with about a hundred photos of the founder of the vipassana program, who seemed like a god to these people. I had aalready been surprised how much they focused on this one man. Meditation is a practice, not a religion. Though they also made a point of stating this, it didn't appear to me they were living in accordance with this value. Within 15mins they told me the teacher said I could go. During this time, a few different people had used "good cop bad cop" to try and convince me to stay, trying to intimidate me and making fun of me for giving up. It was making me frustrated in a new way, because though I didn't care what these people said, I had gained so much from my time there, and this was ruining my peace of mind and tarnishing my good feelings about the retreat. I just couldnt, and still don't, understand how people with so much meditation experience could behave so terribly. But I just wanted out.
They returned my things and everything was there. They asked me yet another time if I was SURE I wanted to leave. You can guess my answer. They then made me sign a form that said I was leaving of my own free will (I laughed) and that I "wouldn't hold them responsible for any physical or mental harm that would come to me on account of leaving early." I also had to sign a form saying, if I ever wanted to take a vipassana retreat anywhere in the world ever again, I would have to get permission from this center. Given what had just happened, I viewed this as a scare tactic designed to keep me there, and this place began to seem more like a cult than a legitimate meditation experience, designed with the good of the student in mind.
It just so happened one of the workers (not one who had been present yet) was also leaving early. I remembered him from the first day because we had had a great conversation. We walked out together and caught a microbus. He is a genuinely good person, apologized for what had happened, and said he'd been to other centers and never seen anything like that. I was glad to hear that.
In the end, Im happy I did it because I gained so much. I choose not to let the actions of a few individuals warp the positive and fulfilling experience that extensive meditation provides. Its all part of the work of mindfulness, even if you have to apply it to your interactions with those who taught you the techniques.
I say this place seemed like a cult, and I really believe it. It was disappointing. However, this was perhaps an isolated experience. There are many of these centers around the world. I don't want to discourage anyone else from doing this. But make sure to do it I'm a place where you feel comfortable. Communication across languages and cultures can sometimes cause unanticipated problems.
My vipassana experience: Part 1
I got back yesterday evening after 4 days at a vipassana meditation retreat at a beautiful national park just outside of kathmandu. The retreat was set to last 10 days, so I left earlier than expected. We started with around 80-90 students, and about 70 remained when I left, most on the second day. That is also when I had my first doubts.
I've organized my thoughts enough to write about this in two sections. First, and most prominent in my mind, is the experience of the meditation regimen itself. Second, I'll explain what an ordeal it was to actually leave once I decided that's what I wanted to do.
If you didn't see my previous post about the course time table, you might glance over it below. To summarize, you wake up every morning at 4am, then meditate straight until 9pm with 3 short meal breaks and 2ish hours of rest. All in all, it comes out to 11-12 hours of daily meditation.
During this time (at least for the first few days) you focus entirely on the sensation of the breath coming in and going out of your nose. Thoughts and emotions will arise, yes. And sitting completely still for that long, you will experience physical pain. But you simply re-focus your attention on the breath, ignoring what arises. This technique is different from other types of meditation I've done in this regard, as other forms have you deal with what arises in ways besides ignoring them. But I found this extremely effective. At various times during my sittings, I felt anger, frustration, fear, sadness, doubt, anxiety, and exhaustion; but I also felt bliss, contentment, patience, and a profound peace of mind and body. A cried a few times, at least once out of frustration and self pity, and once out of joy for successfully subduing the rancorous pleas of my mind and body to give up. If you've ever tried just sitting alone quietly, trying to clear your mind of all thoughts and emotions, or focus just on one thing for an extended period of time, you know how difficult this can be. Some called it the "monkey mind," because it swings from branch to branch constantly without stopping, similar to how our minds constantly go from thought to thought. The important thing is to remember that you are not your thoughts or emotions. They are fleeting, will come and go consistently, while it is YOU that constantly remains regardless of what changes occur within and around you.
Surprising to myself, the process was not as difficult as I feared it might be. The longest meditation I'd done to this point was 1 hour, so 11 is unfathomable. But when you fully engage with the technique, always shifting your mind back to the breath no matter what arises - positive or negative - it becomes effective and natural, an instinctive reaction almost. The key is to live entirely in the present moment, not entertaining thoughts of what has been (thoughts of the past) or what might be (thoughts of the future). In this state, your breath is the only reality, and therefore the only place for the attention to go. This is made easier in this retreat by outlawing all forms of technology, communication (even among students - it's a silent retreat), writing, books, and exercise. Literally the only things you do are meditate, eat, and sleep.
The most difficult aspect of all this for me was the physical pain I experienced. Imagine sitting completely still in cross-legged position, with a straight back, for hours on end. Inevitably, you have to shift - the pain becomes unbearable. You feel it in your back, your neck, your legs, and even your shoulders and arms. But the goal is to delay this movement as long as possible, focusing on the breath rather than the pain. The longest I went without movement was an hour and a half, and that was when I cried out of sheer happiness and pride for fighting off my own mind so successfully. The idea behind all this is that you obtain mastery over your own mind, regardless of internal and external circumstances, so you may always consciously decide on your actions, rather than simply reacting to stimuli. For instance, when I found myself becoming annoyed by people next to me shifting loudly or coughing without covering their mouths (you can hear the difference, even with your eyes closed), I reminded myself that it wasn't their actions or the noises themselves that are inherently annoying, but rather my assessment of those noises. In other words, nothing outside you annoys you. Its you who allow or make those things to be annoying to yourself. I hope to apply this mindset to people I encounter daily, especially those I don't understand initially.
One of the things that I learned about myself is that there is a lot of pain, fear, anger, and insecurity inside. I think we all have this if we take the time to listen, even if it's buried deeply. Insecurities regarding school, future careers, and relationships past and present came to mind. Personally, I think this all stems from an insecurity about being loved. Honestly, I think that's true for everyone. If you fully love yourself - accept all your mistakes and honor your successes - and feel truly loved by others, it's hard to imagine feeling insecure. But we don't fully love ourselves, and so we seek ways to prove our worthiness to others, seeking validation, which we hope will make us feel more loved, and, ultimately secure. But that's not how it works. As I mentioned above, it's not external things that are annoying, but your internal operations that make them so. In the same way, you'll never find love, contentment, or security by seeking it externally. It has to come from within. Yet, realizing this intellectually is one thing, but realizing it on an experiential level is quite another. To really achieve that takes much time and effort, certainly more than I put into 4 days. But acknowledging that reality is an important step.
This is a piece of the positive experiences I had at this retreat. I've been meditating and recommending meditation to people for years, and I believe more than ever it's something you owe yourself to do. And by meditating I mean simply sitting with yourself and observing what arises in the mind and body, and accepting it. No religious connotations, no chanting, no prayer beads, and no need to fly to Nepal to isolate yourself for an extended period of time. It's the simplest thing you can do, but also the most profound and rewarding. I promise you that.
I'm still on retreat time, despite staying at a hostel, and so I woke up early. The sun is rising though, and it's time to eat breakfast and begin another day in Kathmandu. I'll write the second section later. That part involves less peace of mind and more stress. I'm still shaken up by it all.
I've organized my thoughts enough to write about this in two sections. First, and most prominent in my mind, is the experience of the meditation regimen itself. Second, I'll explain what an ordeal it was to actually leave once I decided that's what I wanted to do.
If you didn't see my previous post about the course time table, you might glance over it below. To summarize, you wake up every morning at 4am, then meditate straight until 9pm with 3 short meal breaks and 2ish hours of rest. All in all, it comes out to 11-12 hours of daily meditation.
During this time (at least for the first few days) you focus entirely on the sensation of the breath coming in and going out of your nose. Thoughts and emotions will arise, yes. And sitting completely still for that long, you will experience physical pain. But you simply re-focus your attention on the breath, ignoring what arises. This technique is different from other types of meditation I've done in this regard, as other forms have you deal with what arises in ways besides ignoring them. But I found this extremely effective. At various times during my sittings, I felt anger, frustration, fear, sadness, doubt, anxiety, and exhaustion; but I also felt bliss, contentment, patience, and a profound peace of mind and body. A cried a few times, at least once out of frustration and self pity, and once out of joy for successfully subduing the rancorous pleas of my mind and body to give up. If you've ever tried just sitting alone quietly, trying to clear your mind of all thoughts and emotions, or focus just on one thing for an extended period of time, you know how difficult this can be. Some called it the "monkey mind," because it swings from branch to branch constantly without stopping, similar to how our minds constantly go from thought to thought. The important thing is to remember that you are not your thoughts or emotions. They are fleeting, will come and go consistently, while it is YOU that constantly remains regardless of what changes occur within and around you.
Surprising to myself, the process was not as difficult as I feared it might be. The longest meditation I'd done to this point was 1 hour, so 11 is unfathomable. But when you fully engage with the technique, always shifting your mind back to the breath no matter what arises - positive or negative - it becomes effective and natural, an instinctive reaction almost. The key is to live entirely in the present moment, not entertaining thoughts of what has been (thoughts of the past) or what might be (thoughts of the future). In this state, your breath is the only reality, and therefore the only place for the attention to go. This is made easier in this retreat by outlawing all forms of technology, communication (even among students - it's a silent retreat), writing, books, and exercise. Literally the only things you do are meditate, eat, and sleep.
The most difficult aspect of all this for me was the physical pain I experienced. Imagine sitting completely still in cross-legged position, with a straight back, for hours on end. Inevitably, you have to shift - the pain becomes unbearable. You feel it in your back, your neck, your legs, and even your shoulders and arms. But the goal is to delay this movement as long as possible, focusing on the breath rather than the pain. The longest I went without movement was an hour and a half, and that was when I cried out of sheer happiness and pride for fighting off my own mind so successfully. The idea behind all this is that you obtain mastery over your own mind, regardless of internal and external circumstances, so you may always consciously decide on your actions, rather than simply reacting to stimuli. For instance, when I found myself becoming annoyed by people next to me shifting loudly or coughing without covering their mouths (you can hear the difference, even with your eyes closed), I reminded myself that it wasn't their actions or the noises themselves that are inherently annoying, but rather my assessment of those noises. In other words, nothing outside you annoys you. Its you who allow or make those things to be annoying to yourself. I hope to apply this mindset to people I encounter daily, especially those I don't understand initially.
One of the things that I learned about myself is that there is a lot of pain, fear, anger, and insecurity inside. I think we all have this if we take the time to listen, even if it's buried deeply. Insecurities regarding school, future careers, and relationships past and present came to mind. Personally, I think this all stems from an insecurity about being loved. Honestly, I think that's true for everyone. If you fully love yourself - accept all your mistakes and honor your successes - and feel truly loved by others, it's hard to imagine feeling insecure. But we don't fully love ourselves, and so we seek ways to prove our worthiness to others, seeking validation, which we hope will make us feel more loved, and, ultimately secure. But that's not how it works. As I mentioned above, it's not external things that are annoying, but your internal operations that make them so. In the same way, you'll never find love, contentment, or security by seeking it externally. It has to come from within. Yet, realizing this intellectually is one thing, but realizing it on an experiential level is quite another. To really achieve that takes much time and effort, certainly more than I put into 4 days. But acknowledging that reality is an important step.
This is a piece of the positive experiences I had at this retreat. I've been meditating and recommending meditation to people for years, and I believe more than ever it's something you owe yourself to do. And by meditating I mean simply sitting with yourself and observing what arises in the mind and body, and accepting it. No religious connotations, no chanting, no prayer beads, and no need to fly to Nepal to isolate yourself for an extended period of time. It's the simplest thing you can do, but also the most profound and rewarding. I promise you that.
I'm still on retreat time, despite staying at a hostel, and so I woke up early. The sun is rising though, and it's time to eat breakfast and begin another day in Kathmandu. I'll write the second section later. That part involves less peace of mind and more stress. I'm still shaken up by it all.
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